my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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