Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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