The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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