My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
