Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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