I'd wear matching sweaters with you
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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