Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
