Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
