Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
