I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
