Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
