i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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