So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
