dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
