We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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