I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
