a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
