I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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