sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
