he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
