He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
