You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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