my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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