You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
