two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
