Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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