If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
