I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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