Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
