You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
