her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
