I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
