census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
