I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We talked him into tasing himself.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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