hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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