I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
