even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
As shirtless as possible
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize