so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
