how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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