So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
