If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
