I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
