Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
