Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
