I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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