My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
