My friends, they love my intelligence
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
