That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
