So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
