I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need a beard to bite.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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