She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
