I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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