The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
