i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
