dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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