thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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