I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
