Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
