the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
