my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
