dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
