Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
